INTUITION

Sometimes you just get it. You have that sixth sense when life throws you lemon flavored fruits. We all have it, but we don’t all use it. Right before you do something, always consult your mind. Think before you act. This is what that little voice is telling you before it grows up and leaves you:

• Something is wrong when you find your friend hiding in the closet crying instead of fapping.
• Nairobi has ... special drivers. Repeat it in your mind everyday you get behind the wheel.
• Lower the laptop volume before pressing play - we all know laptops are too low for music, but too loud for porn.
• Have two fingers dedicated to Ctrl+S in case the lights flicker. Power = Work/Time, but @kenyapower don’t care.
• Log out when someone else wants to use your phone.
• Check your fly before walking out the bathroom.
• Don’t stop to look at the bra when unhooking.
• Check for typos unless you want to know the jerks who are ready to correct you.
• Google before asking tweeps or the idiot next to you who will google it anyway.
• Shoot the zombie again just to make sure. #DoubleTapRule
• Don’t fill the cup with tea to the brim so that you can walk with it properly without spilling. With beer, it’s cool to spill ... people will applaud!
• Your car doesn’t know it’s way home. Delegate.
• Switch phone out when out to avoid drunk-texting, drunk-tweeting ... drunk-mpesaing.
• Spray air-freshener before a number 2 - because, let’s face it, you know what you ate.
• Check facebook so that you don’t forget important birthdays.
• Pee before you leave the house.
• Charge your phone before leaving the house.
• Lock the door when fapping.
• Don’t post nude pics of yourself.
• Pocket when in crowds.
• Let her win the argument – when women are happy, they let you touch them.
• Don’t let her win the argument – she’ll respect you for holding your ground.
• Consult before committing, if you’ve earned the beer-goggles award
• Drugs destroy lives, Jesus saves lives and Condoms prevent lives.

Changing the Future

After years of trying to change my future into what I saw in my dreams, I realized I was thinking too small. Why settle for one little ripple in the river of time, when I can re-shape future civilizations with the simple act of stepping on today's butterflies? So everyday its 'squish' here and a 'smack' there.
You're welcome future city of Awesomnia (a city so awesome, it never sleeps) (also TM unless I'm not the only one with Awesomdias - Awesome Ideas).

My Childhood Fears: Part 1

I’m having an imagination within an imagination, in efforts to understand where it all stemmed from. Level one finds me in a psychiatrist’s office, lying on a cream leather suede couch. He tells me to relax and think of a happy place like the ocean or the channel on TV that never gets clear so its jus a bunch of grey miscoloured scribbles. I chose the latter. He tells me, we’re going on a journey into my past; I open up my mind and imagine myself as a 6 year old (now I’m in level 2 . . . see where I’m going with this? It’s like diet inception because I’m not asleep).

It’s passed my bed time, and I’m trying to rush my brain to engage the dream sequence. Countless repositioning occurring with every cricket chirp, as the moon light seems to make the room annoyingly bright. For some reason, I’m still quite alert. Soon, I begin to drift into that fine tuned harmony of comfort, sleep and rest . . . but I’m suddenly re-awoken by a subtle thud. I lift my head and gaze straight into the direction I assume the disturbance came from . . . the closet.

My irrational fear of monsters in the closet had just been seeded, and little did I know what kind of tree it would grow into. Just as the tension started to grow, as my the boy Thosh, version 6.3 was waiting for another peculiar sound to emit from the wooden enclosure that housed my clothes, the psychiatrist gave me “the kick” by snapping his fingers, which was in synch with my phone ringing in the real world . . . and thus, I was back to consciousness, without finishing my imaginary session with the mind doctor. At least he didn’t take down my billing details (and even if he did, they would be imaginary, muhahahaha).

Ever since I was young, I feared monsters in my closet. Then suddenly in the 21^st century, all these people where coming out of the closet, and I started to wonder whether it was them I was actually fearing. Maybe I had a certain phobia towards closet dwellers and exiters.Nothing too serious though. I'm fine with them being whatever and wherever just as long as a certain radius of my proximity isn't breached.

It's not really a fear, but more of a "dumb-founded head-scratching wonder as to why scary fictional creatures from my childhood took such a form in the real world when I got older" kind of thing. I don't understand the colour, the super-powers in lifestyle improvement, and competition with puppies for adoration. And just to be clear, I'm fine with not understanding. 

I remain sad that some of my more intelligent humor goes to waste because of a simple name-share agreement. Like when I tell an idiot that, "just knowing we're in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo"

Random Things About Me

1. I can’t stay still while talking on the phone

2. I have nightmares about high school, like losing my chair . . .

3. Eskimos are fictional, like elves, gremlins and Santa

4. I itch my head when I’m sleepy

5. I don’t think Barbie is a slut; I’d marry her

6. I can’t sleep after 9am

7. I can cook and clean, and NO I don’t have an English name

8. I think Mandela should have died by now; every other freedom-fighter is dead; it’s not fair for him; he’s lonely

9. I have OCD with the mouse cursor

10. I Google everything

11. I can’t function without a phone, internet and/or a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card

12. I get sugar-highs

13. No. 2 is a sacred time of my day (My tissue has superman drawings)

14. I can fall asleep anywhere (leaning on the escalator belt)

15. Eggs are liquid chicken

16. I can sing all the songs from Lion king

17. I torture insects

18. I talk to myself

19. I over-tip hot waitresses

20. Coffee makes me sleepy

21. I gave myself a nickname, and it stuck. Even my dad calls me ‘Stunna’

22. I want a ‘La Revancha’ DVD

23. I’m still waiting for my Spiderman powers to kick in, then Njugis will be sorry (Muhahahaha)

24. I am a human garbage disposal (I love food)

25. Once I didn’t understand why a tear-like substance came out from my eyes, yet I know emotions are for women coz they come from their ovaries!

26. I know for a fact, Newport Harbor is next to Laguna beach in the O.C.(Orange County), and all that plus One Tree Hill make up the Hills, that watch the Sunset Tan!